End In Mind Empowerment Blog

Recently I received a phone call from a longtime fellow colleague. We hadn’t spoken in a few years, so there was a lot to catch up on personally and professionally. It felt really refreshing to open up to someone who I respected and trusted.

After listening to his story of a long term relationship ending poorly, I shared my own experience of ending a marriage/business partnership with someone whom I’d been more open and vulnerable to than any previous relationship. I was explaining the range of feelings I’ve experienced since the separation and eventual divorce, and to my astonishment, this supposed friend informed me I was being a victim and that I actually didn’t need to experience any of the emotions I’d been having. My guard went up instantaneously, and he then of course accused me of being defensive.

The wonderful communication we’d been having was now turning into a battle. As I approached the moment of terminating this increasingly hostile encounter, I questioned how my earlier sense of safety in sharing more intimate aspects of my personal life with this person had changed so radically in such a short period of time.

When I expressed this concern, and questioned his need to pounce on me with his diagnosis and superior course of action, he got quiet. He then said that this was something which had been reflected to him before.

As soon as we both calmed down again I was able to say that I had, to the best of my ability, been using an approach to my situation which seemed to be working reasonably well. And that if I were, in fact, to be harboring any victimization energy, it might be nice for him to use a process of inquiry with me to allow me to explore that possibility, rather than having it shoved down my throat.

Ever since that eventful communication I’ve wondered how many times someone may perceive us as trustworthy enough to open up to.  And how often might we, albeit with the best intentions and in the name of being a friend or confidant, try to offer credible, honest feedback, which could cause that person to shut down or pull away?

My recommendation … if someone does open up to you about something significant that’s happened, or is still going on in their life, personally or professionally, take a moment to adjust your own filter of perception. You may not have gone through what they have, and even if it appears as something  you have endured, you didn’t go through it in their body. Their physical, emotional and mental makeup is unique to them and you can’t expect others to inevitably think, feel or do as you might.

The ideal of independence is one of the founding philosophies upon which our country was built. However, in reading the definition I began to wonder… is independence, in fact, what we really want? 

Independence: freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

Nobody enjoys being controlled or influenced by a person or system which is mean, hurtful and takes advantage of us. But how about the other types of control which seem to serve us rather well?

I, for one, appreciate our roads and traffic systems being controlled. Quality and safety control on foods, medicines, surgical procedures and all types of other products and services is a really good thing. And without the support and aid from others, where would we be individually or as a nation?

Of course my own independent nature kicks in and says, “well, I don’t want to become dependent on anybody or anything”. Again, in researching definitions I came to another quandary … maybe dependence isn’t such a bad thing.

Dependence: 1) the state of relying on or needing someone or something for aid, support, or the like. 2) reliance; confidence; trust.

While I was in Dictionary.com there was a link to codependence …

Codependence: of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Now this is one which seems to show up everywhere … in way too many personal, business and even governmental relationships. So where does this leave us?

We crave independence, which might not always be such a great idea after all. We frown upon  dependence, which can be a healthy thing. And there’s an over abundance of codependence going on serving all types of agendas.

So then I came across a word rarely used …

Interdependence: mutually dependant, depending on each other.

What would the world be like if more people showed up in such a way – personally and professionally – that allowed for a state of interdependence (mutual dependence)? Think about it. How do you feel toward the people you can truly depend upon? Wouldn’t it be nice to interact and do business with more people you felt that way about? Can you imagine if this began permeating into and throughout our society nationally … even globally?

This Independence Day I suggest the creation of a new holiday … Interdependence Day!

 This is a time of remembering the men and women who gave their lives so the rest of us could have a better quality of life. They didn’t commit these acts of selfless service based on any particular political bias or for monetary gain. The unsettling aspect of the wars these people fought in is that a hand full of large businesses made fortunes at the expense of personal sacrifice.

If we take a good hard look at the society our soldiers fought to protect … we’re in the midst of the worst financial debacle in history, and once again … certain business entities are enjoying huge profits at the expense of individuals and small business endeavors. Being a business consultant, I thought it fitting to use this occasion to also remember the core values which our democratic form of enterprise was built on, and which continues to stand the test of time.

Over the last few years I’ve had the opportunity to spend weeks at a time in various business communities across the country. Some of these cities, especially in the smaller towns, were hit extremely hard when the major or sole business entity supplying jobs in that area had to close its doors. 

What I became increasingly curious about was that regardless of the business communities particular personality, the cultural – geographic – or socio-economic differences, there were enterprises who somehow still had their doors open for business. The common thread between those who were weathering the storm was quite revealing … a return to good old fashioned customer/client value.

When business owners and managers had to face the fact that Americans at almost every financial level were forced to be more frugal in their spending, the shift started back towards treating their customers/clients with a renewed sense of respect and appreciation. They embraced the reality that people buy products and/or services from other people … people whom they like and trust!

I witnessed small businesses working harder to produce higher quality products and services, providing additional value or benefit to get the sale, enjoying less of a profit margin in order to retain customer loyalty. It’s always the people at ground zero, be it in war, in a catastrophe, or on the main streets of business, which seem to hold the perspectives of what’s important. They gravitate towards taking care of one another in order to preserve the integrity of the whole.

To all who give to the betterment of the greater good!

Recently a new client found herself in a most unfortunate dilemma. She was opening a retail business and had purchased a residential property (zoned for commercial use) to use as the store. The pending issue … in converting the property from residential to commercial, she was being misinformed and misled by her contractor on the “Change of Occupancy” construction project.

The contractor was becoming increasingly insistent that my client sign an agreement allowing him to pull permits with the city and begin the project. The problem with doing this was that the scope of the project had already doubled since it began, yet my client still hadn’t received the drawings, engineering or cost breakdowns which she’d already paid for.

My concern in being brought into the mix midstream was that my client didn’t have the financial resources to complete everything which would eventually be required prior to opening her doors for business … but she wasn’t being told that upfront. I assessed the situation as turning into a scenario whereby the contractor is making money along the way, while draining my clients accounts dry. Then when the project has to be shut down for lack of funds, and my client stands to lose the property and the business, the contractor walks away throwing his hands up declaring that none of this is his fault.

The states licensing board encouraged us to take the matter to court so that the judgment could be used to fine and/or penalize his license. So now instead of preparing to open her new business endeavor, she’s having to look at what all is involved with undertaking a civil court action, and is this detour getting her any closer to her goal.

So the question my client and I began pondering is … at what point is it socially/politically correct to hold people accountable for their actions? If we were witness to or the victim of physical violence, surely it’s appropriate to inform the authorities of these transgressions? What if an employee is taking merchandise or embezzling funds, taking legal action would be justified would it not? So where is the line between not allowing someone to get away with something, as over letting the situation go for fear of retribution or just not wanting to invest the time, energy or finances it may require to have justice prevail?

On the one side of the issue is the “Let go and let God” approach, whereby we leave things up to a higher power to deal with complicated and unpleasant situations. This perspective feels that we ourselves should not judge an individual or decide the consequences of their actions.

The other side of the equation perceives humanity as the caretakers of our planet and civilization. This factor proclaims the need to both develop and wield the wisdom necessary to do that job as impeccably as possible.

So where does this place someone who stands to be retaliated against for exposing an injustice? Is it wrong for them to forgive and forget so they can try to get on with their life? And, if they choose not to hold someone accountable for their actions, then who does? And where does the perpetrator face the opportunity to grow and learn from their mistakes?

Recently while on a business trip in southern Nevada I ventured on a hike into Grapevine Canyon, known for 1,000 year old petroglyphs. My GPS directed me right to the parking lot and the trail head was well marked.

A few hundred yards into the hike the trail became increasingly obscure. What would appear to be the trail kept ending up impassable so I’d have to turn around and back track until I found the real trail. My frustration level began rising.

Further up the canyon there was no trail what so ever. I had to figure out if what I was doing would get me where I was going or into yet another impasse. My internal dialogue was becoming considerably more pronounced … “Why isn’t there be a clearly marked trail?” and “How much time am I wasting having to continually turn around over and over again?” or the one that woke me up to my self-imposed misery … “This just isn’t my idea of having fun!”

I sat for awhile to chill out and pondered the last time I’d done off trail hiking. It had been quite a few years, but I recalled that it used to be an incredibly enjoyable experience … so what had changed?  What happened is that the mental muscles necessary for me to do that kind of critical thinking had gone dormant. I no longer had an instinctual access to that particular skill set.

I arose with a different mindset and started finding places which would afford me vantage points further up the canyon. From these locations I could focus on approaches which looked the most reasonable to my ascent. Within a short period of time my frustration had been replaced with a sense of exhilaration and fulfillment.

As human beings we possess the innate ability to strategize the way we navigate the terrain of our personal and professional lives. If these mental muscles are being exercised on a regular basis in various ways, even recreationally, we’re better able to assess situations, take calculated risks and more likely to be enjoying the ride.

The reality of our daily existence is that both personal and business endeavors require us to follow well trodden paths a good majority of the time. What’s concerning is how many people stay on these delineated paths in life and end up in ruts because they lack the capacity to actually try something new which might just produce a more desirable result.

For quite a few years now I’ve considered myself a bit of an expert when it comes to communication. But in all honesty … my biggest and by far most painful personal and professional downfalls have always been, and continue to be a direct result of poor or inadequate communication.

How many times I’ve told someone something really important … they smile, nod their head or even verbally agree with me … so I’m communicating with them right? WRONG! The only thing I know for absolute certain is specifically what I just said or how I went about saying it, that’s all. What the other person heard or their interpretation of my words is more often than not a whole other matter.

In the Four Corners of Empowerment, the 2nd corner is Communication. The 3 components which empower effective Communication are: Observation, Understanding and Connection, and each of these is highly interpretive, which is why communication can be so elusive. Imagine 10 people witnessing the very same event, yet each giving slightly, even radically varying accounts of what they observed. The same could be true of what they each understood or what their qualifying criteria might be in terms of having a sense of connection to someone.

I recommend using a 3 tier approach to effective Communication:

Firstly, observe who you’re speaking to. Watch for visual clues as to their attitude about what’s being talked about. Attitude is the 1st Corner of Empowerment, and by observing the attitude of who you’re speaking to let’s you know if the communication is even getting off on the right foot.

Secondly, understanding is facilitated by having audile feedback from those you’re speaking to. The way they language back to you what you just said is helpful for you to understand what they may, or may not be understanding.

Thirdly, to establish a better sense of connection, use your intuition to get a kinesthetic sense about what’s happening inside those you’re speaking to. When you at least try to connect with people in a deeper way, they usually feel that and become more receptive or attentive towards you.

CORE stands for Cultivating Optimal Response Experience. If we’re able to respond to people and situations in life and business effectively, rather than reacting to them, we’re in a state of CORE Empowerment.

CORE Empowerment happens when our Attitude, Communication, Relationship & Leadership skills function as a holistic team. Each of these 4 cornerstones has a Mind~Body alignment associated to it.

The CORE of our body is a combination of; 1) tiny muscle tentacles wrapped around the spinal vertebrae, 2) the muscle groups of the abdominal area which allow us to stand vertically and maintain balance, and 3) an intricate network of proprioceptor nerve endings running throughout the body, feeding information back to our brain regarding all types of internal and external stimulus.

The CORE of our mind is a combination of; 1) how we perceive ourselves and the world around us, 2) our mental and emotional knowledge (the language we use to interpret information and experience), and 3) our accumulated wisdom (the ability to functionally utilize that information and experience).